More Than You Ever Wanted To Know About Me…

 

I suck at a lot of things.
And I especially suck at being normal.

Back in grade school, when all of the other kids were playing baseball, or throwing rocks at each other, or whatever it is that well-adjusted children in rural Ohio did in the 80s…
I was busy drawing pictures.

But not pictures of houses, and trees, and flowers, and all that.
Pictures of the elaborate neon-and-spandex costumes I planned to wear when I finally realized my dream of becoming a professional wrestler.
(In case you haven’t guessed, genetics ended up making that aspiration a non-starter.)

Anyway, I remember doodling myself as a rippling, impossibly sculped beast of a man (sequined cape, zebra-print tights and all) at recess one day, when I overheard the principal outside the classroom door talking to my teacher.

“There’s something wrong with that boy,” he said.

“He’ll grow out of it,” my teacher replied.

I never grew out of it.

For that very reason, growing up was about as much fun as a surprise lobotomy.

As far as I know, I still hold the Miami Trace Local School District record for “most time spent stuffed in a gym locker.” To this day, the odor of sweatsocks lights up my “fight or flight” instinct like a Chinese New Year.

But I had no idea it would set the stage for an amazing career.

You see, being the perpetual “outsider,” I’ve spent my life studying people. Observing how they respond to having their buttons pushed.

Picking apart what makes them tick and identifying what winds them up emotionally.

Watching them lose their shit when they don’t get what they want.

In another life, my penchant for observation (coupled with my inability to do anything normal) would have made me a fantastic serial killer.

But in this one, it made me a damn good copywriter.

That’s what my clients LOVE about what I do for them.

I study their avatar like I’m plotting a kidnapping.
I dig into their target buyer’s hopes, fears, aspirations, and needs.
I become the ideal prospect.
(Not in an Ed Gein sense, though. I’m the type of guy who ushers spiders outside instead of smooshing them. So you’re safe, I promise.)
Then, I blend the psychological insights I gain with a rather… um, colorful writing style to spin compelling, off-the-wall marketing copy that skillfully entertains, engages, and ensnares the prospect.
You know, the kind of “I can’t believe he said that” copy that makes millions for my clients.

Not bad for a guy who once got tossed in a dumpster for wearing a zoot suit to a mandatory pep rally.

Now, I’m not for everybody. If you believe that “Thou Shalt Be Normal” should have been a P.S. on one of Moses’s stone tablets, working with me will probably give you an aneurysm. You should probably go find yourself one of those “copy clones” that the “experts” are so fond of churning out.

But if you’re into the idea of getting more attention, making more sales, and having your perfect customers and clients love you for it, we should talk.

In fact, why don’t you go ahead and jump down the rabbit hole – click the shiny button below and book a time to talk about your project.

If you’re feeling a bit nervous about that, I get it. But don’t worry – I’m actually pretty chill in person. It’s just when you get me behind a keyboard that things get weird.

And profitable.

And weird.

 

 

C’mon… you know you want to…